Every time.

Not just one time.  Every time.

"When I thought I lost me, you knew where I left me.
You reintroduced me to your love.
You picked up all my pieces, put me back together.
You are the defender of my heart."  Defender, Rita Springer

Every time - He picks up all the pieces.

He doesn't leave one out.  He uses them all to put me back together.
He knows where we left each one.  Even when we have given them away...

He knows us better than we know ourselves.

Sometimes life breaks us. And sometimes we break ourselves. We choose other things instead of what is good for us.  What is right. We choose empty paths with dead ends instead of the ones He has carved out for us.  Oh, but his ways are so much better.  They aren't always safe, no.  They might be bumpy and unpredictable and uncomfortable. But they are good and full of joy. He promises to always be there. He promises to never leave.

And you know what? He means it. He keeps his promises.  

I can honestly say through all my life, he has always picked up all my pieces and he has always put me back together. Every time.  Faithful and loyal. Every time. 

When I held on to the past for too long, he was there patiently waiting for me to let go.  When my heart was broken and I couldn't lift my head, he was kneeling beside me. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I would grow impatient with such a person, but not Father God. He's forever patient with me as I'm seeking him. Because he knows my heart.

When I am too hard on myself because I think I should be leaps and bounds ahead of where I am.  My father is there and he's cheering me on.  And when the darkness tries to close in on me, with familiar thoughts of the pain of the past, he's there too.

In the moments when I feel like my kids should have better and deserve more. He reminds me that he CHOSE ME to be their mom.  Hand picked. Not because I am perfect...but because he knew I would need them as much as they would need me.

And the times I wish I was stronger and braver. He's there and he tells me if I was, then just maybe I would be decieved into thinking I wouldn't need him.

Every time, He's there.  He always has been, for me and for you.  And he always will be. Because that's what a good Father does. Believe that friend.

Much love,
Christa

No fear in love.

Today my Kevin & I celebrate 19 years being married.

I've been his girl for 20 years this past April.  Honestly I don't  remember my life before being with him.  He's my best friend, my partner, my biggest supporter and encourager.

We had a rocky start.  We met through a mutual friend because I needed a prom date after a bad breakup. We dated a little over a year. Soon pregnant and each still living with our parents, we decided to get married because "it was the right thing to do." We loved each other the best we knew, but we were still kids in alot of ways.  We grew up pretty quickly, and our Brianna came along and changed us forever.

It hasn't always been easy. There have been (and still are) times where I want to punch him.  But for the most part - I see him as one of my greatest gifts.

I used to ask God when I was younger to give me a family of my dreams - with a husband and wife that love each other and stay married forever, and love and support and encourage their children. A close family. A home full of love.

Not perfect, but pretty close.

I believe God answered my prayers.  He gave me Kevin, and then He gave me our 3 arrows. He has given so much to us, I am so thankful.

There have been times when I doubted this dream. Sometimes the people in your life are HARD to love.  Sometimes they don't act like a gift.  But they still are. And is love really love if it doesn't cost you anything?  If it doesn't have any requirements?

Love has to look like something.  Sometimes it looks like knees on the floor, letting go of burdens and giving them to the One who can handle them all. Sometimes it looks like standing still when everything in you wants to run or scream or just plain lose it.Sometimes it looks like holding on to the one that's about to fall apart, lifting them up and reminding them of who they are. Wiping their forehead when they are sick, making them coffee in the mornings.
Sometimes it's speaking up and fighting for what you believe, and sometimes it's laying down and going low.  Not getting the last word.

But it never looks like fear. And it's never controlled by fear. It's not silent, it never runs and hides.

'There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.' 1 John 4:18

Where does this perfect love come from?  Only one place -  from God. We love because He first loved us.

No other love is perfect.  It just won't last.  It won't endure, it will fade. We just can't fully love people without being filled with God's love.  And marriages end every day for many reasons.  But a big reason is that we just give up.

We are living proof that things can be BAD, and God can turn it around. He can pick up the pieces and give you back something better than you ever thought possible. He can restore what has been broken, if you trust Him.

I'm not afraid of love.  I choose to love every day because I have given God all the pieces, and He has been so good. I know I can trust Him, and so can you.

Love,
Christa

Hope.

Hopeless: providing no hope; beyond optimism or hope; without hope; despairing; impossible to accomplish, solve or resolve; not able to act, perform or work as desired. 

Hopelessness.  It's a terrible feeling. 

Feeling like there is no reason to hope.  That there's nothing you can do.  
This makes us shrivel up and fold our arms over.  Paralyzes us. Prevents us from reaching out. From showing the world the love that we have been given.  

And here's the thing... it's not true.  

No matter the circumstances. No matter what it looks like physically.  You can always choose to do SOMETHING.  You can always look up.  

There is always hope because of Jesus. Because you are loved. 

Even when your heart is heavy.  When your shoulders feel like they are carrying the weight of the world on them.  When the news is bad and then gets worse. 
Even if you've turned away from God. Rejected Him. Cursed His name. The enemy's tactic is to keep you seperated from Him. 

What can you do?  Look up.  Look to Jesus.  

Oh, I know it's hard.  
I've heard a cancer diagnosis, bad news, and worse news.  I've been unappreciated, left out, and overlooked. I know what's its like to be lonely, gossipped about, and misunderstood.  To lose someone dear to me. 

The common misconception is that we are the "only one". We aren't. We all have our load to carry. It's tough, yes.  But you are tougher. 

When it seems you can't do anything, can't help yourself, let alone anyone else. Look  up. 
Open His word.  Read what it says about you. 

"And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know he hears us in whatever we ask, we  know that we have the requests that we have asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15

"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

"For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things." Psalm 107:9

And I promise you this:  He will come and He will refresh your heart...if you ask Him to.  If you believe. He will remind you that you are brave, and strong, and just plain awesome.  
He will remind you that you are His.  

What CAN you do?  You can look to Jesus, and you can love others. Tighten up your bootstraps and get back in the game. People need the light that you carry.  

On our own, we cannot do a thing. We will tire out and wear down.  People are people, and sometimes (we) they are hard to love.  But they are beautiful too....because he made them.  Let him connect you with his heart, and loving people won't be so tough. And loving yourself becomes easier too.  

I pray that your hope is refreshed today, and that you remember just how loved you are.


Love,
Christa 

Don't be a crappy friend.

You've probably heard the quote - "whatever you are, be a good one."  This was probably thought of and said because sadly, so many humans are so careless. With their lives, actions, relationships.

I've been thinking lately about being a better friend.  I am guilty of getting caught up in busyness, in my own trials, and overwhelmed by it all.

I forget to text, or call or reach out.  I assume everyone is ok and don't take the time to ask.  I make excuses.
Sometimes I'm just a crappy friend.

One of our pastors at The Ramp spoke a few months ago about a trip to the UK.  He said that when you stepped into the subway train a recording reminded you the "mind the gap."  It was dangerous, and you needed to be watchful. You could trip and fall, you could get your bag caught, etc.  From a spiritual standpoint - we all go through times of transition. And when we do, we must mind the gap.

I am minding my gap.  It's not a fun time - yes, God gives us joy in hard times.  I'm not saying every day is horrible. I'm just saying that transition can hurt. Not knowing what is around the corner. Wondering if change will ever come.  And getting bogged down in all the weariness.

Granted - some people need to make an exit from your life during these times.  I have had people I thought were family - really they were not. I have loved them deeply and gave them everything I had to give, and was hurt in the end.  But they needed to GO. 

Some friends are just seasonal.  They have a purpose for being in your life. They teach you and you teach them.  And we are all better off afterwards.

Some friends are heart friends that are forever connected to your life.  They see you at your worst and still love you.  They don't pay attention to the gossip or the lies told. They love you for real, in the good and the bad. Thank God for these.

And I honor all of the relationships God has brought into my life.

So back to the matter at hand - being a better friend.  The Bible talks alot about friendship.

Be careful who you are close with...
Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character." 1 Cor 15:33

There are those the Lord sends to you, that are faithful and true...
Elijah said to Elisha, "Stay here; the Lord has sent me to Bethel." But Elisha said, "As surely as the Lord lives and you live, I will not leave you." So they went down to Bethel. 

Jesus is the perfect model...
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Prov 18:24

Friends should push us higher, not lower...
Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. Prov 13:20

We need friends who tell us the truth, even when it hurts...
Better is an open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Prov 27:5-6

We need one another...
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Eccl 4:9-10

There are so many more, but I'll end with this.

What if we weren't afraid to be a good friend? What if we took the risk and reached out? What if we were willing to let go of past hurts and forgive those that let us down?  Nothing precious comes without a cost.

God has put the people we need for this season of our life, in our lives, for right now. Don't miss them because you are caught up in old wounds. In busyness. In life.

And if I've been a crappy friend, I'm sorry.  I'm trying to be a better one. Sometimes life hurts. But there is grace for you and for me, grace for today.

Much love friend,
Christa

Detour.

detour - noun

1.

a roundabout or circuitous way or course, especially one used temporarily when the main route is closed.

2.

an indirect or roundabout procedure, path, etc.

In my prayer time today, I heard the Lord say this to me.....

"It's not closed off forever. Right now, you're on a detour." 

Sometimes the way you thought it would look - well, it doesn't. You set out on a journey, excited, optimistic, and a little anxious because there are so many unknowns.  But ready to jump in.

Well, as for me - one who enjoys the predictable and the safe - and one who stays in the shallow end of the water and closes her eyes on roller coaster rides - I didn't feel this way at the start of our journey.  That's not my natural way.

I loved my new husband. I was excited for our little girl to arrive. But I craved safe and comfortable - I wanted to be taken care of - I realize the root of my father not doing these things caused my heart to lack in this area...and I was trying to grow through those things. I loved being a stay at home mom. I loved doing youth ministry.  Amazingly- when God pressed our hearts to pursue ministry full time, meaning Kevin would quit his job and work for the church, my worries just washed away. I jumped in head first, eyes wide open.  A little nervous, but unafraid. 

I chose trust.  It was a miracle in my little life.  And it changed me.

Fast forward to 2016. A year ago, when all of my hopes were shattered.  I had just started going back to school and had to walk away. Ministry closed it's doors to us.  We were discarded.  And we moved to a tiny little town with tear stained pillows and busted dreams.  

We just wanted to be safe.  We still loved God.  And we still trusted Him. But we were hurt deeply, our children were broken hearted and our marriage was in pieces. 

We had all but given up on ever pastoring or serving in ministry again.  We felt like God might just be done with us.  That we had failed Him, and He was ashamed. That we were just too messy. 

Hurt will do that to you.  Shake you and cause you to doubt.

It's an easy trap to fall into. 

But after a long road, healing has come.  Wounds are being mended.  Hearts have begun to believe again.  To dream again. Miracles have happened in our family.  Restoration has come, and He isn't done yet.  

What if God wants to use broken people with imperfect lives to reach his people? To spread hope? What if He isn't mad at me, or you? What if he wants to give back what was lost or stolen, and use the story for His redemption?   He does.

If you are believing for a miracle - don't stop.  If things don't appear to you the way you hoped - keep praying.  Don't give up.

Sometimes you have to take the detour to reach the destination.  While the main road is being repaired - and being made better than it was before. 

Wider, stronger, longer.

Delay is not denial.  It's not the end.  It may just be a new beginning.

<3 Christa 

Dad.

Daddy.     Father.     Dad.

Each of those has had a sting to it - for me.

My dad was in prison for most of my life.  He passed away before being released, when my third child was very young.  None of my children remember him because they each only visited him a handful of times.

I grew up visiting prisons on the weekends.  It was my normal.  Most kids, if their father is active in their lives, go to his house, to the park, eat meals together.  Maybe he shows up to dance recitals or sports events, and he's usually at their birthday parties.

Mine wasn't. He was only out for a short time.... I remember fishing and going to the movies once. It wasn't long before he returned.

But he had a huge heart - and I know he carried the guilt and burden of his actions.  I always remember his faithful letters, he always apologized and talked of the future.  Taking my kids fishing, making up for lost time.

Promises to make things right.  

But we just aren't promised time.  Or tomorrow. We aren't even promised our next breath. We have no idea how many days we really have.  And we put off things just assuming that there is plenty of time.

I have many regrets with my dad....

I wished I hadn't ignored so many of his calls.

I wish I had written him more.

That I hadn't judged him so harshly.

I wish I hadn't had a wall up to protect myself.  I only hurt myself in the end.

It's a terrible thing to wish you could change things. I'd have loved more, even though it hurt.  I'd have said things that I felt but held back.  I'd have taken my kids to see him, regardless of what others may say or think.

But most of all, I'd have forgiven him sooner.  And made sure he knew, that I knew, that he did the best he could.  That I was sad at how things turned out. But I wasn't angry at him.

If you have your dad in your life, I encourage you.  Tell him you love him.

If you are a Dad - do it with all your heart.  Be present.  Be awake.  Be intentional.
You are more important than you realize. 

We all have our stories. Some are tougher than others...

Maybe your Dad's not perfect.  Maybe he's made mistakes.  Maybe he had a poor example, was wounded himself, or just plain missed the mark.

Maybe he truly hurt you and you don't see how to forgive him.  We hold onto things thinking it somehow protects us - really it causes the pain to settle in deeper.  Try to let it go... I promise you'll feel better.  Jesus can take the burdens - and his yoke is easy, his burden is light. It's such a sweet exchange.

Maybe your dad is wonderful.  Maybe he's amazing and never missed an awards assembly, field trip or game.  Or maybe he's worked hard for your family and you never saw him too much.  He's still human though, we all are. Only one Father is truly perfect.  

What has helped me in my process is learning to live a life of honor.  Living a life that honors my dad, having integrity, character, and being a godly parent to my children.

I choose to see the good in my dad. His vibrant personality, and his ability to light up a room with his smile.  His great laugh.  His big heart.  His compassion for others.

And his believing that I could do anything.  

Happy Father's Day in Heaven, Dad.  I love you.

Christa <3

Believe

When you don't see what you hope for.  It's there - just clouded.

When they aren't sorry for the pain they've caused.  Know that we all reap what is sown.

When you pray and pray and He seems so quiet.  He's listening.

Believe.

When you feel helpless.  Sometimes we must be still and let Him work.

When your dreams seem so very far away.  Hold on to them.

When you are lonely.  He will bring you who you need.

Believe.

When you aren't sure if you're doing the right thing.  Just do the next thing.

When you are filled with regret and wish you could change things.  Just let go.

When they think they know, but they only have partial information.  He knows.

Believe.

When it looks like others' prayers are answered, but not yours.  It's coming.

When the wilderness just won't let you go.  Put one foot in front of the other.

When wounds won't seem to heal.  Sometimes it's just a slow process.

Believe in these things...

Jesus is steady. Jesus is faithful. Jesus is honest.  Jesus is true.
He never lets go. He never lets down.

He doesn't back away when it gets messy.  He stays in the mess with you. He isn't afraid of your issues, and He can handle it.

He is real love. He is present.  He sees you and He sees me, and He hears every cry and He catches every tear.

Some of us know these things to be true. But we get caught up in life and junk and we doubt and we forget.

Some of us have been let down so much and hurt so badly that we doubt Him to be true... and He understands that too. But He isn't content with that belief - He wants to shake down your walls and come in with His love.  

He CAN heal our hurts. I believe it.  I am no where near where I used to be - but not yet where I want to be.  It's a process, and as much as I wish it were a quick fix...it just isn't.
But it will be worth it in the end.

May He be felt by you today. Let us open our hearts to love. To forgiveness and faith.  
Be washed in His word. Read it. Remind yourself of what He says.

"...Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Romans 8:24-25

Keep pushing, keep going. Be encouraged.

Believe.

<3 Christa

Keep it moving.

There's always 3 sides to every story. 

Yours.      Theirs.       And the truth.

Why are we so quick to think we are right? 

That we are justified in our feelings? 

That we have the right to hold a grudge? 

It's human nature - but as time passes we are obligated to let things go. 

Forgiveness is a mandate as a Christian. 

Move on. Forgive. Release. 

And I have found that it's possible. With Gods help. 

So what do you do when they won't do the same? 

Say that you have let go. Moved forward. But the other party hasn't. They are gripping tight. And they continue to run your name in the dirt. To anyone who will stoop to listen. 

What do you do? 

Well my flesh has an answer. But that would get my heart into a place it's not meant for. 

So my spirit says - let it go. Don't fight back. Be silent before your accuser. Let the actions speak. 

A person who knows who he is doesn't fight for approval or identity. They just rest in being a child of God. In being forgiven. 

Those that listen to gossip have itching ears. And they aren't mature enough to discern truth. 

And those that know better, will know better. 

Bitterness makes the prettiest one the most ugly. 

So if you've been trashed or talked about, keep your head up. Don't let it knock you back. 

If you've found yourself pulled into gossip and talking about others, stop. You don't want to reap that stuff. Keep your hands clean. 

And if you're the one holding on- let it go. It's time. Life is too short and there's life to be lived.

Jesus hears and he sees. 

Keep it moving, because he has something great in store for you. 

❤️Christa

Darkness

"You can't rush your healing. 

The darkness has its teachings." Trevor Hall 

I recently finished the book "Learning how to walk in the dark" by Barbara Brown Taylor. It has helped me put words to my struggle. She talks about the darkness, the benefits of it, and it is so eye opening. 

Our family has walked a tough road. Our life had fallen apart. Kevin had a bad work injury. We had left all we knew for a fresh start, and it was harder than we could have imagined. 

We are still coming through- as many are. The darkness has tried to snuff out our light. Depression, shame and regret are real and they are ugly. And the accuser of the brethren is alive and well. 

When Christians find ourselves in a dark place, religion can teach us that we must hurry out of it. It can say to the leper or to the broken one, to get away because you're only welcome if you're in the light. If you're put together. Cleaned up. 

Many don't want you near them if you are bleeding or have issues. They think if they can cut you out- it will keep them clean.  

I have experienced firsthand the quickness of some to cast you aside. It hurts and it's a lonely place to be. Lots of opportunity to become offended and bitter. And to give in to the darkness. 

I used to beat myself up constantly because I thought I wasn't recovering fast enough. I could see the light, but just didn't have the energy to pull myself out of the cave just yet. I thought it was just too far away. 

Then one day I realized something that changed it all for me. 

I realized that Jesus was there in the dark too. In my cave. WITH me. In my darkest, loneliest place that I was ashamed to be in. He was there. And he wasn't afraid of my pain or my fears. 

Now this might be elementary for some but for me it was huge. 

Jesus in the dark? Yes, in the dark. 

Not waiting outside the cave. Not far off somewhere. 

Right there, teaching me how to walk through the mess and bandaging me up and letting me lean on him. All this time I thought I had to hurry and get it together so I could be in his good graces. Look the part so he'd accept me. That's not how he works. 

I have learned that he never left me. He was in the dark, walking with me, teaching me lessons and making the pain have purpose. Loving me all along. 

He's leading me out of the dark. Oh, but he was with me in there too... Teaching me to walk in the dark places when I wanted to curl up in a ball. Giving me strength to hope again. Showing me treasures there. Things I've learned about his heart that are only learned in times like these. And learning to be confident in who he's made me to be. 

If you find yourself in a dark place, there is hope. There is Jesus. And he's not waiting for you to get it all together or to clean yourself up. He's waiting for you to just say his name. 

The shepherd is always there. He isn't afraid of your darkness. He'll use it if you'll let him. 

He wants to teach you to walk through it. 

Love, 

Christa 

3 years ago.

Feels like yesterday, but then it doesn't.

3 years ago I was going through chemotherapy. I had found a lump in my breast in the fall of 2013, and in January of 2014 I discovered that it was cancer. 

You don't really think it would happen to you. You think it's only other people... and then it comes. And you don't think you can do it, and you do. And all you think about during the season of it is that you want it to be over... and you finally get to the other other side. 

I expected to go right back to my normal self. Full energy level, confident and happy.
That didn't happen.

Don't misread me here - I am beyond grateful for my health. For more time with those I love.
I cannot thank God enough for this. 

But I am different in so many ways.  Cancer and it's after-effects change you deeply. Not only does it  change you, it also reveals the cracks that were already there.

The insecurities that I had overcome in the past, overtook me. There were days I would not leave the house or answer the phone. Not because I was tired or sick; I simply could not face the world.  

I would change outfits 4 or 5 times before leaving for any outing.  I would cry and melt down, then get myself together and push through.  I'm not gonna say this doesn't still hit me at times. It tries.
It's an ugly monster that doesn't like to quit. 

The eyelashes grew back. The hair grew back. My energy returned slowly. But I was different. And in some ways I'm glad. In the years that have passed I have realized these things...

I see people differently. I really try to listen to them, to see them... not just look, but see. We walk by people every day and just miss them.  I am so guilty of this.  The truth is, everyone has a beautiful story and everyone is fighting battles. Sometimes the ones that look the most put together are the ones hurting the deepest. We are all family, we are all connected. I try every day to walk with more grace- for others and for myself. 

My marriage is different.  We have been together for almost 20 years, married for 18. Many couples pridefully say things like "nothing can tear us apart", "that would never happen to us" and "we'll make it through anything".  But there's nothing like a good old cancer diagnosis to shake things up and make you face the hard stuff.  Pride is a mess. I've decided humility is better.  Every marriage needs Jesus... front to back, top to bottom.  Your own efforts are not enough. You just can't love someone fully without God being first, and something worth having doesn't come easily. What we have is worth the fight and the struggle. 

Fear is a liar. It will whisper in your ear and try to convince you to sit down and be silent. That others are better and have more to say and more to offer. It will tell you to get out of the game because you aren't needed. It is a liar, and I won't listen to it anymore. 

My view is different. I've decided being a victim is lame.  Being bitter is lame. Being a survivor is better. And living a life worthy of the one given for mine is my goal.  Love is my goal. 

Christa <3 

Changes

If you've followed our journey, you know we've taken a break from Pastoring. Almost 17 years. Countless lives and beautiful souls we have been blessed to be connected to. 

There is a season for everything. 

Lots of changes in our lives the past few years. 

2 cross country moves, job changes, school changes for the kids. 

Changes. Some hard on the heart. Some good for the soul. 

Regret can keep you up at night if you let it.

Relationships unraveled. New friendships began. 

We are settling into this new life. We moved somewhere that very few people knew us. A fresh start. A clean slate. Hearts are healing. Joy is returning. 

Through it all I can say there are a few things I'm certain of...

People will let you down. Why? Because they're human. Because they are selfish and self centered most of the time. Myself included. 

We all need forgiveness. We all screw up and we all need grace. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone....

God is faithful. He restores and He makes new. Even the most hopeless and worst of situations. 

Marriage is beautiful. In all its gritty, ugly, messy glory. It's worth the blood, sweat and all those tears. It's worth it all. 

He's not finished with me yet. Though I get frustrated... Yes, I've questioned God. What is going on? What does the future look like? Why why why.....I believe- It's ok to question things at times, but not his heart. I trust Him. He's working out a greater glory in me. 

Everything changes. I struggle with change, I love being comfortable. But that's just not Gods way. So I'll embrace the change, and trust the One that sends it. And I'm choosing to dream again. 

❤️Christa