Darkness

"You can't rush your healing. 

The darkness has its teachings." Trevor Hall 

I recently finished the book "Learning how to walk in the dark" by Barbara Brown Taylor. It has helped me put words to my struggle. She talks about the darkness, the benefits of it, and it is so eye opening. 

Our family has walked a tough road. Our life had fallen apart. Kevin had a bad work injury. We had left all we knew for a fresh start, and it was harder than we could have imagined. 

We are still coming through- as many are. The darkness has tried to snuff out our light. Depression, shame and regret are real and they are ugly. And the accuser of the brethren is alive and well. 

When Christians find ourselves in a dark place, religion can teach us that we must hurry out of it. It can say to the leper or to the broken one, to get away because you're only welcome if you're in the light. If you're put together. Cleaned up. 

Many don't want you near them if you are bleeding or have issues. They think if they can cut you out- it will keep them clean.  

I have experienced firsthand the quickness of some to cast you aside. It hurts and it's a lonely place to be. Lots of opportunity to become offended and bitter. And to give in to the darkness. 

I used to beat myself up constantly because I thought I wasn't recovering fast enough. I could see the light, but just didn't have the energy to pull myself out of the cave just yet. I thought it was just too far away. 

Then one day I realized something that changed it all for me. 

I realized that Jesus was there in the dark too. In my cave. WITH me. In my darkest, loneliest place that I was ashamed to be in. He was there. And he wasn't afraid of my pain or my fears. 

Now this might be elementary for some but for me it was huge. 

Jesus in the dark? Yes, in the dark. 

Not waiting outside the cave. Not far off somewhere. 

Right there, teaching me how to walk through the mess and bandaging me up and letting me lean on him. All this time I thought I had to hurry and get it together so I could be in his good graces. Look the part so he'd accept me. That's not how he works. 

I have learned that he never left me. He was in the dark, walking with me, teaching me lessons and making the pain have purpose. Loving me all along. 

He's leading me out of the dark. Oh, but he was with me in there too... Teaching me to walk in the dark places when I wanted to curl up in a ball. Giving me strength to hope again. Showing me treasures there. Things I've learned about his heart that are only learned in times like these. And learning to be confident in who he's made me to be. 

If you find yourself in a dark place, there is hope. There is Jesus. And he's not waiting for you to get it all together or to clean yourself up. He's waiting for you to just say his name. 

The shepherd is always there. He isn't afraid of your darkness. He'll use it if you'll let him. 

He wants to teach you to walk through it. 

Love, 

Christa