I am not brave. Actually, I'm afraid.
What? She's afraid? Yes I am. Terrified at times.
I am not brave on my own.
When I was little, I remember being afraid of the dark.
I would imagine all sorts of things scurrying around on the floor, under my bed, in the closet.
Things I couldn't see or predict or control.
When will I learn that life is not predictable? That I just can't make sense of things that come my way?
My humanness craves predictability and routine. Comfort. My mind says that if I can just make sense of things- then somehow things are okay.
We say things like- "things happen for a reason"- and "it's part of His plan"- etc.
what if the only reason is for His glory?
The promise isn't that we wouldn't go through things- the promise is that we wouldn't walk alone.
As people watch me walk this journey- a concern has been heavy on my heart. That I have the appearance as strong. Unafraid. Brave. Unrealistic.
I just want to clarify- I am going through something awful and scary and hard. It's not fun. I have to choose joy- peace- hope- every single day. Every hour. And without the presence of Jesus in my heart and life I would have already lost my mind. Not even kidding.
I'm a scared little girl with a measure of faith that is being tested and I will grow in this process. Isn't that what having courage is really about? Being afraid but doing it anyway?
Some feel fear and stop in their tracks. Pull the covers over their heads and hide.
Then there are those of us who choose to take a deep breath- kick fear in the teeth and turn on the light.
Because just like the Samaritan woman at the well- john 4- he meets us where we are. In our shame, our fear and our humanness. That's who He is. The present God- with us and beside us and hand in hand with us. He seeks us out.
"Give me a drink..." John 4:7
Whatever you're facing, do it afraid. He's with you.
Much love,
Christa ❤️
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletePastor Christa! Tears, goose bumps, pride, but most of all honor to you and the Spirit of God within you, were my emotions as I read your post. In my prayer over you and your family yesterday, I felt overwhelmed to pray for you and Kevin to show strength to the weak and yet reveal your weaknesses and vulnerability as a human.
ReplyDeleteYOU HAVE DONE A MASTERFUL JOB OF DOING BOTH.
May God continue to 'GRACE' you all as you reveal His Peace and Joy that walks with you - hour by hour - minute by minute.
Proud of you both and love you all!
Gary Burd
You're right! Being brave is hard to do. But think Christa, when this is all over, you're in remission, you will have a sense of, well, I can't think of the word. Invincible. That's how I felt.
ReplyDeleteYou will have come through one of the worse diseases ever. The treatments are awful; side-effects even worse. But, through it all, you know that everything has a reason?? I always thought that.
But, then, I was in my first year of remission and my dearest brother died from cancer and my faith was tested to the limits. Why? Why did the Lord see that I was cured but not Charlie? He was a better person than me. Ever. He was my best friend. Sometimes, the only friend in the world. I loved him so much. We went through so many trials when we were young but we made it. I prayed and prayed that God would heal him. But. it wasn't happening. Charlie's gone now. My heart still has this big, giant hole where he once was.
I'm sorry. Sometimes I rant. But be afraid. You can be really afraid. You can cry, scream, throw a fit, throw things. You have that right. Cancer is scary. I hate it that you have to go through this. That anyone must.
Hugz,
Karen
Great post....glad you kept it real. Faith doesn't mean problems won't come...it means we have something to use when they do come...just read experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and he talked about how his daughter had cancer...Instead of complaining he leaned in God. During the process ...so many people prayer lives were revived ehok e praying for his daughter. His daughter was not only healed but the prayer lives of people around the world was revived...may our prayer lives be revived because of you.
ReplyDeleteAlton Jamison
So glad you shared this Blog and what you shared with us tonight. Sometimes it helps to hear about others fears as we watch them walk out their faith. So thank you for being transparent and you did great with the lesson tonight learned a lot. Love you.
ReplyDeletekeep steppin if you ever need to yell call i can take it !!!!!
ReplyDelete