If you don't quit, you win

"Don't give up, don't give in, if you don't quit, you win." -Misty Edwards

Song lyrics running through my head and heart this week.

Life can be messy.  Anytime people are involved, there is likely to be drama. We just can't help it, bless our hearts. :)

Disappointments come. Life hits. People hurt us. Sometimes intentional, and sometimes completely ignorant.

What should our response be?  To back up? To turn our love off?  Stop pushing forward? It's not easy to keep going. To push thorough.

I believe that God will guide us in rough times, as well as good.  I believe He will flag us (if we are listening) and let us know when something is unhealthy for us, whether it be a relationship or an action.

He is a good daddy and He wants us whole.

But I also believe we direct ourselves alot of the time, and think we are doing the right thing.

A few questions I think we can ask ourselves when dealing with a difficult situation and we are tempted to back up and quit...

Is this bringing me joy? (not temporary happiness, but JOY)

Am I bringing God glory in this?

Is this hindering my relationship with Him? 

Am I growing?  

This is my personal process.  It works for me.  And if something is not healthy for me, I am learning that I am valuable enough to determine what I allow in my borders.  Not because we don't care. But because we do.

But what if it isn't what He wants for us?  Emotions come and go. We can be red hot one minute, and ice cold the next.

What if we hung on just a bit longer- and something amazing was around the corner.  Only you and Him can determine what works for you- and if the timing is right.

He's a good, good daddy.  Trust Him.


Praying for patience today-
Christa <3

Be thou my vision

This old hymn comes on my Pandora station quite a bit.  Honestly, I had never heard it before, I didn't grow up in church consistently and I don't know many hymns.  I am realizing more and more how beautiful and powerful some of these older songs really are.... may we learn to honor the past and see God in all, not just our contemporary worship.  We might just miss something if we see Him only the way we think is true.

Hope it blesses you as much as it did me :)

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

<3 Christa 

Just a little life eval :)

I’m Christa, wife to Kevin,  mama to three, and honestly, I’m a bit of a mess. It’s okay, really. His grace is the most amazing of all.

I thought after I (barely) graduated high school I'd go to college and be a kindergarten teacher. Run away from my hometown and never look back. 

I married a man who would later become a Pastor instead & chose the straight and narrow instead of the american dream. Stayed closeby and thought I'd never leave...until God said otherwise. 

I had babies. Three beautiful babies. I blinked and they are all growing up...fast. My laundry room is never empty. Neither is my dishwasher. I lose my train of thought and forget things often. I worry. I get anxious. I have to remind myself of His promises daily - and that what I am doing matters... Most days I feel just a tad bit overwhelmed and crazy.

I struggle with believing in myself. The pressure gets to me...often. It's much easier to encourage others and push them forward that to tell yourself the things you need to hear. 

I've been broken and mended and have seen His hand work in my tiny little life. It’s proof that God really does use broken, messed up, and fallible lives anyways. He's so good.

I like to write and to paint and to make things. Especially out of "broken" and "useless" things. It makes me feel closer to the One who created it all... Creativity takes courage.

My favorite thing is to see the smile of a child. To see their little faces light up when they know that you care.

I am seeking to live — and learning to see the sacred in the chaos,   

the Cross in the everyday, the flame in the bush.

I am learning that it is possible - possible to see Him in every detail.  In every smile, in every flower, in every butterfly.  

Possible to forgive and be forgiven. Possible to find kindred hearts and friendships that last and stand the test of time. 

And possible to embrace the new seasons and let go of the past, and chances to take on bitterness, without letting it mark you. To embrace my new identity and walk in the fullness of what He has called me to.  To finish well. 

I am grateful that He cares, and that He is with us always. He keeps His promises.

Looking forward to what is ahead,

<3 Christa

Will you catch me?

Taking a leap of faith is a crazy thing. It requires a moment of craziness I think. Depending on the size of the leap, it may require temporary insanity. Packing up a family of five, selling your home, giving away your pet, leaving a great church and precious family and friends, for what you believe God is saying.

Some stay far from the ledge because they are too afraid. Afraid of failure or disappointment.

Yep, a moment of crazy.

In many ways we are still in transition, even after 8 months. There are many times I must remind myself of His words spoken and the promises He made. The enemy wants to steal, kill and destroy every word and promise God has given. No one is exempt from his schemes. Especially not pastors and leaders.

What will it look like? How much farther? When will we see more fruit? Will the naysayers ever hush? How much longer, Lord?

I must remind myself daily to hold on, even when I don't know how. Like the blind man healed by Jesus. "Go and wash your eyes in the pool..." He had to find his way, even when he couldn't see fully.

It seems so dim, but one day He will make it clear. I believe it.

Do I worry that we will fall? Do I still have times of uncertainty? Doubts and anxiety over the future? Yes, I am human. But I know I have a good daddy who promises to catch me. And who gives us "sweet spots" along the way.

 I remember and I cling to the times God has tested my faith, and He has never abandoned me.

Gotten quiet? Yes. But still there.

Always there.

<3 Christa

Messy

So I titled this blog post "Messy".  I have been thinking alot the past few weeks about people.

God has given Kevin and I a heart for people that some would give up on. We believe that Jesus didn't come to die for programs, or coffee bars, fish stickers or pretty church signs. Jesus died for people.

People that have made mistakes, screwed things up, don't know their bible, can't quote scripture or bible stories because they never went to Sunday School and aren't really sure what this whole "church" thing is even about.

People that will forget that you tried to help them. People that bite you and spit at you and never say thank you.

People who HAVE grown up going to church but still screwed up the "following Jesus thing" because they didn't let it sink in deep and truly meet Jesus. Instead they looked at people and flesh and sin and gave up. Or they took for granted what was handed to them so freely.

People that don't really care what seat they sit in at church. What color the carpet is. Or which parking spot they get.

People who have fallen down 7 times, and stood up eight. And will probably fall again.

People that need someone, anyone to believe in them, that they can get it right and live to fight another day.

I didn't grow up attending church every Sunday.  I went in the summer for a week to Vacation Bible School to my grandparents church. I got a new dress for easter and we all went to hear my grandma sing.  I didn't know about David and Goliath or Mary and Martha or Judas.

I don't feel confident all the time. I lack faith sometimes. I struggle to keep going some days. I screw up. Alot.  I have to remind myself that He is enough - that His love is enough for me. I have to work a little harder than the life long church goer.

Does that make me less of a Christian?  Because I'm not "churched up?" Does it make me less important to Jesus?  No.  Just like those who still haven't heard the good news are no less important to His heart.  I believe so many of us forget that we are just as messy and dirty as the man on the street holding a cardboard sign.  As the stripper trying to make a living.  As the cashier at Walmart.  As the guy on the corner trying to sell drugs.

Because the Jesus I know looks at the heart, not at the outer appearance.  So let us take care in the way we look at others.  Let us not be quick to judge, but quick to love.  If we say we are christians, let us look like christians.

Love looks like something.  What does your love look like?  I want mine to be trench love. Messy, dirty, gutter love. That reaches without borders and limits. No gates love.  Even when it hurts.  

Because that is what His love looks like to me. He loved me even when I didn't love Him. And because of His love, I was drawn to Him.

<3 Christa

Letting go

We're baaaaacccckkkk :)

Saturday we arrived back in Amarillo, after a week long visit in Virginia.  It had been almost 6 months since our move, and lots of emotions ran through our family.  We were excited to see our loved ones and visit our old stomping grounds.  And we were a little apprehensive about visiting our former church, and new pastors.  I decided to just let go and trust God (easier said than done).  Oh He is so, so good and right on time.

Never early and never late.

Always on time.

The church is as beautiful as ever, and the new shepherds are placed by His hand.  The church is glowing and being the light they are called to be.  Such a testimony that God works all things together for the good of those that love Him, and are called according to His purpose.  We were so blessed while there, and got some sweet family time with some who are moving and shifting.  Grateful for those who came to spend time with us.

Right on time.

All this said, I became aware that I hadn't let go of my last season.  The worry about those without a shepherd kept me and Kevin up at night, many times.  I realized that I could now let go, and became filled with peace and knowledge that it never really was about us, but about Him and His plan.  I am refreshed and ready to run into what He has for me an my family.

He gives grace for the season we are in.  He places relationships that we need and crave. He sets the solitary in families.  He is just so sweet.

I am so grateful for the sweet presence of Jesus.  There are times when we just need to remember - and reflect- and thank Him for the past.  And then we must let go and move forward into the new, and trust that He has all under His watchful heart.

Looking forward to what this new season brings.

<3 Christa

Take a moment

Take a moment to remember
Who God is, and who I am
There You go, lifting my load again
     -Will Reagan & United Pursuit Band

Sometimes you need to take a moment.  Life is such a fast moving thing, and we just fall in with the to and fro of it all, running here and there and being caught in the flow.  Most of us don't really know how to slow down, and sometimes it takes something drastic to make us stop.  For me, it is being alone that causes me to quiet down and just be.

My love is on his annual trip across the country to honor our veterans, POWs and MIAs, both past and present, participating in Rolling Thunder and Run for the Wall.  It involves being away from us for weeks, and gives me alot of time by myself.

I used to HATE him being away. It left me heavy hearted and lonely and miserable. Bitter, even.  Why does he get to do everything while I'm stuck here?  Cleaning, taking care of things, keeping the home moving and the kids taken care of. Blah, blah, blah.

I have finally come to the realization (and still am getting there) that I need these times just as much as he does.  We all need time to our selves to quiet down our busy minds and just be.

My dad passed a few years back, after being in prison for most of my life.  For so long I wanted him, his attention, his validation. Wanted to know he was proud of me. Wanted to have him at my dance recitals. My softball games. Just wanted to have him in public with me, so that other kids would know that I actually had a dad.  But those days never came, and the most we had were picnics inside a barbwire fence and games of rummy. (He actually taught me to play pretty well:) )  This left a huge void in my life, and after marrying my husband and beginning the process of healing I realized how terrified I was to be alone.

How do you heal from such pain? One day at a time. One moment, one breath at a time.

I pray sometimes that God will help me to recall the few "good" memories I had with my dad. Yesterday He gave me one that was so sweet and I have never thought of it before.  A lady on klove radio was talking about her grandpa, and how she related God to her relationship with him, because when she walked in the room, he would light up. No matter what, she never had to "do" anything, he just lit up, just because she was there.  She shared how she knew that's how God felt about us, that we never had to perform, or act for Him. He just loved us. Just because. And when we walked into the room, He lit up, every time.

This moved me so. I cried in the car, and I remembered the times I would go with my grandma to maximum security prisons to visit my dad. We would go through the process of pat down, metal detectors, locked doors and riding in vehicles to get to the innermost parts for visitation.  And we would go through the final door of the visiting room, and there he was. And when I would come in the room, he would light up like I was the best thing on earth. Like no one else was there, and nothing else mattered.

Why would God allow me this memory? It's because He loves me like that, and He wants me to know it.  To know it deep.  

These moments in my life are few and far between, but when they come I am learning to stop and take a moment. Take a moment to remember who God is and who I am. That He cares about me, and every detail matters to Him.

And there He is, taking my load again. So faithful, and in my moment with me. He is returning me to what I was meant to be, healed and whole and able to love.

Christa <3