3 years ago.

Feels like yesterday, but then it doesn't.

3 years ago I was going through chemotherapy. I had found a lump in my breast in the fall of 2013, and in January of 2014 I discovered that it was cancer. 

You don't really think it would happen to you. You think it's only other people... and then it comes. And you don't think you can do it, and you do. And all you think about during the season of it is that you want it to be over... and you finally get to the other other side. 

I expected to go right back to my normal self. Full energy level, confident and happy.
That didn't happen.

Don't misread me here - I am beyond grateful for my health. For more time with those I love.
I cannot thank God enough for this. 

But I am different in so many ways.  Cancer and it's after-effects change you deeply. Not only does it  change you, it also reveals the cracks that were already there.

The insecurities that I had overcome in the past, overtook me. There were days I would not leave the house or answer the phone. Not because I was tired or sick; I simply could not face the world.  

I would change outfits 4 or 5 times before leaving for any outing.  I would cry and melt down, then get myself together and push through.  I'm not gonna say this doesn't still hit me at times. It tries.
It's an ugly monster that doesn't like to quit. 

The eyelashes grew back. The hair grew back. My energy returned slowly. But I was different. And in some ways I'm glad. In the years that have passed I have realized these things...

I see people differently. I really try to listen to them, to see them... not just look, but see. We walk by people every day and just miss them.  I am so guilty of this.  The truth is, everyone has a beautiful story and everyone is fighting battles. Sometimes the ones that look the most put together are the ones hurting the deepest. We are all family, we are all connected. I try every day to walk with more grace- for others and for myself. 

My marriage is different.  We have been together for almost 20 years, married for 18. Many couples pridefully say things like "nothing can tear us apart", "that would never happen to us" and "we'll make it through anything".  But there's nothing like a good old cancer diagnosis to shake things up and make you face the hard stuff.  Pride is a mess. I've decided humility is better.  Every marriage needs Jesus... front to back, top to bottom.  Your own efforts are not enough. You just can't love someone fully without God being first, and something worth having doesn't come easily. What we have is worth the fight and the struggle. 

Fear is a liar. It will whisper in your ear and try to convince you to sit down and be silent. That others are better and have more to say and more to offer. It will tell you to get out of the game because you aren't needed. It is a liar, and I won't listen to it anymore. 

My view is different. I've decided being a victim is lame.  Being bitter is lame. Being a survivor is better. And living a life worthy of the one given for mine is my goal.  Love is my goal. 

Christa <3 

Changes

If you've followed our journey, you know we've taken a break from Pastoring. Almost 17 years. Countless lives and beautiful souls we have been blessed to be connected to. 

There is a season for everything. 

Lots of changes in our lives the past few years. 

2 cross country moves, job changes, school changes for the kids. 

Changes. Some hard on the heart. Some good for the soul. 

Regret can keep you up at night if you let it.

Relationships unraveled. New friendships began. 

We are settling into this new life. We moved somewhere that very few people knew us. A fresh start. A clean slate. Hearts are healing. Joy is returning. 

Through it all I can say there are a few things I'm certain of...

People will let you down. Why? Because they're human. Because they are selfish and self centered most of the time. Myself included. 

We all need forgiveness. We all screw up and we all need grace. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone....

God is faithful. He restores and He makes new. Even the most hopeless and worst of situations. 

Marriage is beautiful. In all its gritty, ugly, messy glory. It's worth the blood, sweat and all those tears. It's worth it all. 

He's not finished with me yet. Though I get frustrated... Yes, I've questioned God. What is going on? What does the future look like? Why why why.....I believe- It's ok to question things at times, but not his heart. I trust Him. He's working out a greater glory in me. 

Everything changes. I struggle with change, I love being comfortable. But that's just not Gods way. So I'll embrace the change, and trust the One that sends it. And I'm choosing to dream again. 

❤️Christa 

Goodbye 2016.

2016, you were a hard one. 

I have said that 2014 was my hardest year. Cancer was no fun.

But 2016 takes the prize. 

Hard times and lots of saying goodbye. So much change. Lots of bitter. 

But I remember- There was also sweet...

My beautiful friends visited us all the way from Haiti. 

I received a clear mammogram. 

I attended my first Women's Ramp and was forever changed. 

I had lots of proud mama moments. 

I learned to count my blessings.

My marriage- my family - became my most precious gift to me. A gift worth fighting for.

I embraced a new home. New job. New church.

I realized I'm stronger than I used to believe. That I can walk through the fire. 

I have chosen to let go instead of clinging to a past I can't change. Forgiveness is the key.

I honor the lessons- blocking out the past will not help me learn. 

Most of all- I know who I am. And that I don't need a human to validate me. I have my Fathers approval and love. 

2016 didn't break me, and I'm grateful for the lessons learned. I will use them as fuel for my future. I will fight the fear of being broken again, because I know that will hold me back from pursuing my dreams. 

I will still dream, and I will still believe. 

Here's to 2017. You will be the best one yet. 

❤️Christa 

The hard stuff.

Being a parent is hard. 

I remember being about 15 and in a child development class in school, and thinking, I am NEVER having kids.

It just seemed like too much responsibility. Too much commitment. Sharing my stuff? Going without? No thanks, people. 

Too hard. 

I mean, I wanted my ME time. My money, my space, my life. I wanted to shop for myself. Do what I wanted. Sleep until I wanted. 

Ha! Seems hilarious to think about now. 

Just a selfish teenager with small dreams. That's who I was. God had other plans. 

Here I am, 3 kids later, and like many other parents I could never imagine my life without them. 

Without them taking my money. My space. My time. My heart. 

They made me better. Stronger and wiser. More tender and soft. 

I want so badly to protect them. From the crazy world. From being hurt and let down. But I just can't. I hate that, but sometimes we are just so helpless. We just have to stand by and watch as they go through heartbreak and struggle. 

Here's the thing. We are helpless. As much as we hate to admit it. We are unable to prevent hardship or sickness from coming to ourselves or our children. We can't stand guard 24/7 over their hearts and minds. And we can't force them to make the right choice. 

But we CAN do something. We can pray. 

We can pray and believe. We can stay prayed up and close to Jesus, and when they come to us for guidance or encouragement, we can be ready. Ready to speak life and love. And most of all we can pray they turn to Jesus. Not just for the hard times but for the good times too. 

That might not seem like much, or feel like much. Because we all wish we could do more. But all we can do is our best. And our best is always good enough, no matter how small it might feel. 

❤️Christa 

What does a Christian look like?

I've been in a season the past 5 months unlike any other I've experienced. It has forced me to reevaluate everything I believe to be true.

 About God, about truth, about Church, about Christians. 

About how I treat others. And what I allow in my life. About my worth.

I have never claimed to know it all. But I do believe I have met Jesus, and know Him as not only my best friend but also my savior. My rescuer. The one who speaks peace to my heart. 

I also know him as the one with eyes of fire. When I am out of line,harboring bitterness or ugliness, he nudges me. Lovingly, but firm. With "good" reason or with none at all, he convicts my heart and urges me to let it go. To make things right. Because that's who he is. 

For each of us that follow Him. 

I believe that God is good. No matter what the situation looks like. His goodness doesn't change and His love doesn't either. He's just as passionate about me when I fall than he is when I stay on the path.

I believe he hurts when we hurt, that it pains him when we hurt one another.  

I also believe in the church. Despite its flaws. It's beautiful. And it's through connection we are healed. Doing life together, loving one another. Pulling one another up when we need a helping hand. 

I try my hardest to stay near his heart, because I believe it's the only way to truly love people. I constantly look my heart over, looking for dark spots so I can hand them over to the one that can change me. I don't always follow through. I'm not perfect. But I try.  

So when I see or hear of Christians mistreating one another, I believe that's wrong. 

We are required to love. It's not an option. It's biblical.  It's a command. 

What does that look like? 

Well. Here's what I believe it doesn't look like....

Degrading someone because their choices aren't what you think they should be. 

Gossiping about another because they struggle. 

Seeing someone and completely avoiding them because they aren't on your level. 

Regarding someone to their past. 

Leaving a brother or sister in the ditch because you want to keep your hands clean. 

Being silent when your words could change everything. 

Here's what I've seen and believe to be true Christianity...

Being joyful in suffering.

Choosing to do the right thing even when it's hard. 

Repenting and forgiving. And letting go.

Receiving bad news and still looking out for others. 

Loving someone through their dark times. 

Seeing potential, seeing the diamond. 

Not giving up on someone in the rough patch. 

Speaking life. 

Spreading hope when it looks bleak. 

I believe we can be good to each other. 

I want Him to recognize me when He returns. 

Let us be awakened to love. 

❤️Christa 

Things I'd tell my newlywed self.

Oh hey self. 

You're looking pretty excited and scared and in love. 

Hard times will come, good times will come, and I need you to listen. 

Your eyes light up when he's around and butterflies when you talk about him and when you talk about your future. Remember this. 

The days with pagers instead of cell phones and the late night "143"... Remember this. 

Walking down the aisle and being shaky and hopeful and hearing George Straight singing and saying "I do..." Remember this. 

When the first baby comes (and the second and third...) and you see how much they look like you and him, and you see what a miracle God made, and that he used you both... The feeling doesn't have words. Remember this. 

When the fights come and go... And come again... And he wraps his arms around you and wipes your tears away... The times he cries with you... Remember this. 

When the first house is built... And he works so hard to build a life for your family... Countless hours at his job and lonely times for you both, but with a goal in mind... Remember this. 

When the lump is found, and you tell him... He held you and prayed with you and wiped your tears. When the diagnosis comes he stands with you and though his knees buckle at times, he stays and helps carry the burden. Remember this. 

When people come and go, and life takes you to new places, the love grows and it doesn't leave. He teaches you about love and what it really looks like, and it's not only a feeling. It's a choice. A decision. Remember this. 

Love isn't earned - it's given. Because we were saved by love that hung on a cross. It wasn't earned, it was freely given. 

Remember this. 

Don't give up on love. If it's broken, fix it. If it's dry, water it. If it's hard, pray through it. 

Remember this.

Love, 

Your future self 

Sometimes we miss it.

Sometimes we miss it. As Christians. 

We are called to be light and salt. Ambassadors of love. And some of us really try. But we just are short some days. 

Some of us discount people...there's always more to a person than what meets the eye. Look again. 

Some shoot their wounded instead of binding their wounds. Or casting them off- afraid of getting dirty.  In the name of Jesus... Not really understanding that one. 

My family has entered a new season. It's different from any other season we've been in, and we've had to take a lot of hits to the heart. 

The pain and hurt from some has been countered with love and compassion from others. 

But we have not kept pushing forward without being pressed on every side. 

We have had to set our gaze and determine in our hearts that Jesus is better- better than any persons approval. Better than a microphone or recognition. 

Better than being seen by man. 

This is not easy or simple. It's a daily choice. To be content in the season. 

Knowing Jesus and letting everything that prevents us from seeing Him be burnt away. 

Christians are gonna miss it sometimes- myself included. And when that happens, let's not pretend we didn't. Fake it. Be self righteous and make excuses. 

And if you've been hurt by Christians- I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I pray you'll remember we are just humans and most of us are really trying. The enemy gets the best of all of us some days. 

Please don't give up on God and his plans for you. 

Let's forgive and get it right the next time. Grow in love and grace. 

Let's learn to love. He's watching ❤️