3 years ago I was going through chemotherapy. I had found a lump in my breast in the fall of 2013, and in January of 2014 I discovered that it was cancer.
You don't really think it would happen to you. You think it's only other people... and then it comes. And you don't think you can do it, and you do. And all you think about during the season of it is that you want it to be over... and you finally get to the other other side.
I expected to go right back to my normal self. Full energy level, confident and happy.
That didn't happen.
That didn't happen.
Don't misread me here - I am beyond grateful for my health. For more time with those I love.
I cannot thank God enough for this.
I cannot thank God enough for this.
But I am different in so many ways. Cancer and it's after-effects change you deeply. Not only does it change you, it also reveals the cracks that were already there.
The insecurities that I had overcome in the past, overtook me. There were days I would not leave the house or answer the phone. Not because I was tired or sick; I simply could not face the world.
I would change outfits 4 or 5 times before leaving for any outing. I would cry and melt down, then get myself together and push through. I'm not gonna say this doesn't still hit me at times. It tries.
It's an ugly monster that doesn't like to quit.
It's an ugly monster that doesn't like to quit.
The eyelashes grew back. The hair grew back. My energy returned slowly. But I was different. And in some ways I'm glad. In the years that have passed I have realized these things...
I see people differently. I really try to listen to them, to see them... not just look, but see. We walk by people every day and just miss them. I am so guilty of this. The truth is, everyone has a beautiful story and everyone is fighting battles. Sometimes the ones that look the most put together are the ones hurting the deepest. We are all family, we are all connected. I try every day to walk with more grace- for others and for myself.
My marriage is different. We have been together for almost 20 years, married for 18. Many couples pridefully say things like "nothing can tear us apart", "that would never happen to us" and "we'll make it through anything". But there's nothing like a good old cancer diagnosis to shake things up and make you face the hard stuff. Pride is a mess. I've decided humility is better. Every marriage needs Jesus... front to back, top to bottom. Your own efforts are not enough. You just can't love someone fully without God being first, and something worth having doesn't come easily. What we have is worth the fight and the struggle.
Fear is a liar. It will whisper in your ear and try to convince you to sit down and be silent. That others are better and have more to say and more to offer. It will tell you to get out of the game because you aren't needed. It is a liar, and I won't listen to it anymore.
My view is different. I've decided being a victim is lame. Being bitter is lame. Being a survivor is better. And living a life worthy of the one given for mine is my goal. Love is my goal.
Christa <3
