It's been a while.
Being sick is an ugly beast. It's not something you can really explain. The feelings and emotions are so up and down.
One minute I feel like positive polly, and the next I'm down in the dumps. Oh hormones and chemo and ugh.
As a believer, we are supposed to be full of faith and belief- that He will carry us through and heal us and take care of us. (and I so very much believe that)
Oh but we are are so very human. So fragile and small. I am more aware of this than I ever have been.
Watch your judgement.... You really see how strong your faith is when you face something like this.
I remember the first time I held each of my babies.
Touching their skin, putting my finger inside their tiny hand, the feeling of them wrapping their fingers around mine. Aware of how tiny and breakable they were, and without our care they couldn't survive.
I have felt the brevity of that during this time. Not only with my health, but with relationships too. I have realized that it is "hard" for others to see me as sick. I began to feel the distance from those I thought wouldn't pull away.
At first this offended me. I'm still the same person- the same friend- with the same heart. But I guess it would be hard for me to see someone I care about be sick too. Growing in my "grace with others" area, and trusting that He puts who I, We need in our lives when we need them. And we all have our limits I suppose. I'm sure there have been many times I have missed the mark.
It has been particularly hard on my husband and children. Which was expected. But I know it is strengthening us in areas too. I will be so glad when it is over- but we are not promised tomorrow are we? All I have been thinking is - "can't wait to get back to my normal life." But what is normal?
So for now- I am trying to make the most of the moments. What I used to consider mundane and unimportant and whatever.
Fixing my daughter's hair.
Folding my husband's laundry.
Attending my son's football practice.
Packing their lunches.
Signing their permission forms.
Kissing them goodnight.
Because I don't wanna miss a thing.
I have to miss church, and parties, and activities with my children. I try to drag myself out whenever physically possible- because being alone in bed sick is the pits. LOL
One treatment left, then surgery, then 6 weeks of radiation. Just enough to steal my summer- but I will make the most of the moments I can. And pray that I look back on this time as a horrible season and shut the door tight.
Thank you for your love- support- prayers. It means more to me that I can say and it will be remembered. Reach out to someone today. Love does.
Much love <3
christa
