Take a moment to remember
Who God is, and who I am
There You go, lifting my load again
-Will Reagan & United Pursuit Band
Sometimes you need to take a moment. Life is such a fast moving thing, and we just fall in with the to and fro of it all, running here and there and being caught in the flow. Most of us don't really know how to slow down, and sometimes it takes something drastic to make us stop. For me, it is being alone that causes me to quiet down and just be.
My love is on his annual trip across the country to honor our veterans, POWs and MIAs, both past and present, participating in Rolling Thunder and Run for the Wall. It involves being away from us for weeks, and gives me alot of time by myself.
I used to HATE him being away. It left me heavy hearted and lonely and miserable. Bitter, even. Why does he get to do everything while I'm stuck here? Cleaning, taking care of things, keeping the home moving and the kids taken care of. Blah, blah, blah.
I have finally come to the realization (and still am getting there) that I need these times just as much as he does. We all need time to our selves to quiet down our busy minds and just be.
My dad passed a few years back, after being in prison for most of my life. For so long I wanted him, his attention, his validation. Wanted to know he was proud of me. Wanted to have him at my dance recitals. My softball games. Just wanted to have him in public with me, so that other kids would know that I actually had a dad. But those days never came, and the most we had were picnics inside a barbwire fence and games of rummy. (He actually taught me to play pretty well:) ) This left a huge void in my life, and after marrying my husband and beginning the process of healing I realized how terrified I was to be alone.
How do you heal from such pain? One day at a time. One moment, one breath at a time.
I pray sometimes that God will help me to recall the few "good" memories I had with my dad. Yesterday He gave me one that was so sweet and I have never thought of it before. A lady on klove radio was talking about her grandpa, and how she related God to her relationship with him, because when she walked in the room, he would light up. No matter what, she never had to "do" anything, he just lit up, just because she was there. She shared how she knew that's how God felt about us, that we never had to perform, or act for Him. He just loved us. Just because. And when we walked into the room, He lit up, every time.
This moved me so. I cried in the car, and I remembered the times I would go with my grandma to maximum security prisons to visit my dad. We would go through the process of pat down, metal detectors, locked doors and riding in vehicles to get to the innermost parts for visitation. And we would go through the final door of the visiting room, and there he was. And when I would come in the room, he would light up like I was the best thing on earth. Like no one else was there, and nothing else mattered.
Why would God allow me this memory? It's because He loves me like that, and He wants me to know it. To know it deep.
These moments in my life are few and far between, but when they come I am learning to stop and take a moment. Take a moment to remember who God is and who I am. That He cares about me, and every detail matters to Him.
And there He is, taking my load again. So faithful, and in my moment with me. He is returning me to what I was meant to be, healed and whole and able to love.
Christa <3
